SORRY.

Sorry its been soo long since i wrote in here.

We went to the zoo. It was awesome. Got to feed and pet giraffes. Be up close to monkeys, and my daughter got spooked by the grizzley bear. we had a great time!

I am soo not ready for my husband to go back to work. I have been enjoying having him home. But alas hes gotta go back.

Every day he goes back i know it is one more day closer to deployment. Which i am sooooo not ready for.

the night we couldnt go to the jeff dunham show we went out to dinner to chilis. My husband knows its my favorite restaurant

today i have a date at starbucks with the awesome sara! i am sooo excited.. I also want to go to fred meyer but i dont think there is one around here.. but today is gonna be good! i am sooo excited...

thats all for now.

i feel soo bad.

I feel so bad. Aaron was looking forward to the jeff dunham show tonight, but our sitter just has strep throat and i havent been able to find another sitter so we have to either try to sell the tickets or forfit the money spent on them.. which bites cause i spent over 100 on them.  I know he was really excited. I told him to go with out me but he wont. So maybe i will be able to sell them and at a later date be able to go out to eat. This was supposed to be our valentines/ anni date since we missed valentines and will miss our anniversary.

Life blows sometimes.... Honey if you read this... Im sorry.


I should add.. that i in no way think laura is faking... im just sad cause nothing ever goes our way when we have something planned... ever! so i guess i was just venting.

yay!

so much to do today.. i have alainas hearing appt at 130 and then i have to rush home.. i got something very important to pick up today.. i also get to go to town today! yay!!!!

good morning

good morning everyone! last night was a looong night. I dont like thunder lightening or high winds.. and we had high winds.. All i could think about was my roof coming off or everything in the backyard flying away...

This morning i had to get up and go chase down my recycle bin at the other end of the block. I know its not any of my neighbors as no one else on my block recycles..

My trash can was knocked over and everything else.. usually i tie everything down.. but i didnt know it was gonna do that last night or else i would..

Today alaina is really testing me. She is chasing the dog and its not making me happy...

well logan is going off so i must go get him....

updates

OK so yesterday we had the behaviorist come out to the house and she got to meet alaina.. Logan was playing on the floor and the first thing alaina did was hit him with one of his toys.. because zena was talking about him. Then as we were playing with color wonder markers.. alaina thought it would be funny to reach over and try to draw on her brothers forhead. Well zena told alaina to not do that as it wasnt nice. ALaina refused to follow directions and tried again. Zena told alaina we were all done with markers and we put them away..

That put alaina in to a tizzy fit.  Started throwing things, hit zena and trying to hit me and logan. Zena told her no and it was ok.. Got her interested in a book. Alaina tried to grab it out of her hands and zena told her no you need to ask for it. Alaina refused and started throwing a fit. Alaina never got the book till she asked for him.

Zena told me that if i ask her to do something in a demand way - Clean up your toys. Wipe off the Table. Sit down. That i need to follow through with it. I need to gain control and show her that i am the boss and that she isnt.

Zena also told me that if i give alaina the option to do something- Do you want to help me pick this up? Do you want to go outside? I cant get mad at her for her answer as it was a question and i was giving her a choice.

Zena let me know not to give in to things. if i had something and she tried to take it from me  I was to not give it to her unless she asked for the object specifically.

I have been using these tactics all day today and i can tell you its going to be rough! but lets hope she can stop with the fits and learn to be a little more nicer.

such a long day

Well today have been super long.. i had the behaviorist come out.. i dont have much time to write about it right now but i should tomorrow..

I can tell you that was not happy!

logan still isnt feeling well. I still have him on his meds so lets hope!

I am exhausted so i am off to bed... good night world... and my readers! tune in tomorrow for what the Behavior person said...

C.

Thank you

I just want to jump on here and say thank you to those that actually respond either on here... in an email or what not.. it really does making blogging easier on me... its nice to know someone or people is/ are reading this.. i know i dont have much to say but thats my life..

day.. 39487598475934098670953

I must find  a way off this island.... This little girl keeps following me and calling me mom... have no clue who she is.... little boy just cries all day, the good dr says double ear infections... No clue what that is.. but must stay away. The natives seem to have 2 furry things that run around. 1 like to dig.. wonder if he will dig us out of here.. other furry creature just seems to like to eat and be lazy. None of the natives seem to want to leave.  Must get off this island..


HAHAHAHA thats what i feel like right now..

Alaina decided to color all over the floor with black crayon! grrrrr. and logan well he doesnt feel good so now he is in our room crying... gotta by a baby monitor.. i can hear him but cant see him right now..

The dog keeps digging to china and if you know me... you know i like a nice yard.. well my back yard is dirt.. and it drives me up a wall but i am not going to be in this house much longer so i see no need in trying to make the back yard nice... let the mud hole lie..

really miss my husband today.. i just wish he could hold me... i wish i could be laying in his arms as i drift off to sleep... ( but lord please let me get to sleep before him.. that man can snore!)

i guess a few guys out there with him have asked him how do i sleep with him.. or do we have seperate rooms... lol Theres a trick to it! lol... i bound and gag him with his dirty socks... lol jokes! but there is a secret.

Well today i didnt do much besides try to clean up a little.. my kitchen is trashed.. always the last room to get done... but ya know what.. i am at wits end right now and i just really dont have the energy to get up and clean it...

anyways... i am off here... i am gonna try to get logan to go to sleep so i can too! good night everyone!

ug i know

I know my blog has been a downer... but seriously.. thats my life..

I have a problem.. and i need ideas on how to fix it... i have a shopping addiction.. I dont care how much money i have i will spend it... it gets to the point that i dont care i have bills to pay.. I have read it another sign of bipolar.. cause after i spend it i regret it...

i just dont know how to stop.. I am trying really hard.. i have a list of things i am allowed to buy when aaron leaves.. so i have to stick to that... but its before he leaves thats getting hard.. i get sad.. i shop.. i get mad.. i shop.. i am happy... i shop.. i did however pay off 2800 in credit cards just this week... so i can say that felt good.

any ideas on how to stop shopping??????????


oh and btw.. 12 lbs down since aaron left.. Dinner tonight was awful... and i am exhausted... logan has 2 ear infections... and alaina is not helping anything! so i am off to bed at 20:18 good night!

this is me venting...

some days i just feel like i cant do this.. I love my husband and my kids sooo very much but its just sooo much. Ya know? i have 2 beautiful babies.. but no one to talk to.. I have no friends like i did back when..  I miss the sitting in the kitchen and licking brownie batter of the spoon while just chatting.. or sitting in the front room and just playing a game. but now my life is dirty diapers and gibberish..

I mean yeah i have my friends here but we all have our own life.. our own kids.. its just not the same..

I love my little family i wouldnt trade them for the world.. but honestly im just glad they havent traded me..

I have come to see my meds arent right yet again.. they are not strong enough.. screw this we dont know bullshit..

I am sooo tired of them playing games with me. .i just want them to fix me.. Im tired of being and feeling broken. I am tired of feeling ugly and fat.. i want to look good for my husband. I want to make him proud but all i feel like i am doing is holding him back.. yeah its my depression kicking in again.. who woulda thought that this morning i was in a great mood and now im depressed?

i know i can do this.. i have been through 2 before.. but i dont wanna... i dont wanna say good bye.. i dont wanna let go.

at night i watch my daughter snuggle with her daddy pillow and i ask myself how do i explain this to her? how do i explain that even tho she just got her daddy back she has to say see you later again? i wish my parents could be out here with me.. They mean soo much to me..  I never get to talk to any other family but my parents.. i just wish they could stay with me.. it depresses me to know that my son doesnt get to know his grammy and papa.. or his hey lady and papa or his mom and dad..  all name alaina calls them..

im just in a rut again and hopefully i can get out of it soon.. i hate feeling this way .. but i do .. i feel like i wanna just sit in a closet and not come out..  i just want my husband home.. and my parents with me.

welcome to my jumble of whines.. my tears.. my heartaches. my thoughts.. welcome to me..

You want to understand but dont know how?

Many times i have been asked.. How do you do it? How do you go sooo long with out seeing your husband? This girl has it perfect! if you wanna know.... please read..

What a Military Spouse Knows

As many of you know, my husband came home from our third deployment not too long ago. During the deployment, a reporter asked me to share “What I Knew” about deployments and military life. This was my answer:

As I forced my hands to unfurl from his neck, feeling the familiar sting in my nose as tears pushed against my will, the words rattled and echoed in my brain. “Not again.”

I watched him walk away–that uniform, identifiable gait—and my heart bent and splintered as the reality of a third deployment began to shower over me.

I picked up the phone, dialing the numbers my numb fingers always meander toward, and sat in silence while she tried to ease my pain. “I can’t imagine…He will be home….I’m here.”

And then she said six words that shot through my ears, penetrated my brain, and stiffened my spine: “You know how to do this.”

She was right. I do know how to do this. I intimately know the all-too familiar lump in my throat. The year of being both father and mother, making the best of a situation. I know exactly how one year feels as I X each day off my calendar. And I know how to ensure that while our lives are on hold, we still live.

The truth is I know a lot:

» The thought of being alone for a year doesn’t bother me. The fear of being alone for a lifetime—does.
» Flat rate boxes can hold twenty whoopee cushions, four kindergarten projects, and five perfume-scented letters.
» Technology can be a double-edged sword—one side delivering his face; the other a brutal live-action feed of explosions and camouflaged body parts.
» Murphy’s Law is a constant companion. The moment he walks out the door, anything that can break, collapse, bleed, or explode–will .
» Five hours of uninterrupted sleep is a gift from the deployment gods
» Holidays are hard, but manageable.
» Deployments come and go, but sand from his boots never leaves.
» Nothing can replace a handwritten letter. Through those beautifully folded pages, he is holding my hand again.
» When the National Anthem is played, I know goosebumps will rise on my arms, and a lump will fill my throat.
» The silence in communication following a war zone attack is agonizing.
» Laughter is a powerful ally.
» Each deployment offers two options: grow or regress. This is a choice.
» Cereal is always a dinner option.
» Videos of lost teeth, ballerina recitals, and preschool graduations can be emailed to Iraq nearly instantly.
» Five powers of attorney and the intimate details of his will are needed to navigate a deployment.
» White out blizzards can actually bury a truck in five minutes.
» Rosie the Riveter was right: We can do it.
» Children cling to hope and the promise of tomorrow.
» Living in each moment together is possible when facing the fear that it could be your last.
» Welcome home kisses are sweeter than the finest chocolate.
» Anger will grip me and depression can hold me, but another military spouse will steady me.
» A six-year-old child can feel the absence of her father so deeply that she can suffer from clinical depression.
» A military spouse will often hold her/his tongue, silencing a story, for fear of sounding “unpatriotic.”
» The sound of a bugle can make my heart swell with pride or collapse in sorrow.
» Duct tape and a monkey wrench can fix nearly anything.
» Despite the protestors and those who tell me I “knew” what I was getting into, I know there are countless American citizens who will go above and beyond to show they support us.
There are many things I know.

I know how to change the brakes on my truck, rappel from the side of a cliff, shoot a double-barreled shotgun, balance a checkbook, earn my keep, and kiss a child enough to feel like two.

But there are still so many things I don’t know.

» I don’t know how to start my heart again when I see a death notification car on my street.
» When that knock echoes on the door of my neighbor, I don’t know how to forgive myself when I am relieved.
» I don’t know how to hug him enough to last a lifetime, or kiss him just so in order to feel satisfied—should our reunion be at the foot of a pine box.
» I’m not willing to learn how to pretend he doesn’t exist, to keep him out of our life while it goes on without him, or to build a wall so high he has no way to scale it.
» I don’t know how to stop his panic attacks, and I have no idea how to make my nightmares of rampant bombs and lifeless limbs disappear.
» I don’t know how to adjust to his presence in my house when our floor rarely feels the weight of his boots.
» I don’t know how to tell his small children that, yes, he leaves them all the time. But because he loves them so deeply, he is willing to die to keep them free.
» I can’t understand those who would question my desire to stay with him, or how I can peacefully sleep beside a “killer.”
» I am amazed and confounded that despite all he has seen, he still has the courage to laugh.
» I don’t’ know how to give up on my family.
But, most importantly:

I have no clue how to still my pounding heart when he finally walks through our door again, I don’t know how to pull my hands from his sand-stained neck and say goodbye, and I don’t know how to ever walk away from a man who stands while many choose to sit.

Written By Melissa Seligman

thoughts for tomorrow.....

Valentines Day SUCKS!


please excuse my rude behavior.. it wouldnt be so bad if i got to spend at least 1 of them with him......

long day

its been a long day.. i want my husband home.. i miss him.... that is all.

wow...

Sorry i havent posted in awhile.

thursday night was horrible. I asked my friend sara to come watch my kids so i could go to the ER i wasnt feeling oh so hot. I go to the ER and they tell me oh its just an upset tummy. I had vomiting, the poops, and pain in my stomach so bad i thought my guts were being ripped out. They gave me meds and sent me home. I get home around 330 in the morning and just as i got home my stomach starts hurting again.. after sara left it got sooo bad that i had to call sara back cause i was calling 911. The minute they got here i started getting sick they got in the ambulance and got to the hospital. they left me with no pain meds or anything. I called  for help out loud and it took like 10 times of me yelling for help. Someone finally came in was yelling at me cause i wouldnt leave the pulse meter on.. but i was in pain i didnt want crap attached to me. And he told me he couldnt give me any meds until the dr came in.. Eventually i was released to go home at 8 in the morning. So i pretty much spent 11pm-8am in the er.  I then came home and spent the rest of the day on the couch.

Saturday i still wasnt feeling good so we didnt do much and that was also sunday.

Monday i had alainas hearing appt and i had her assesment.  Her hearing appt we just went and got her new molds. Unfortunetly they dont have a certain part and they fall out sooo much. I think she knows they arent right. We then came home and i had a few hours to make sure my house was in a decent order.  The assesment was to see if she was on track for everything.  Apparently she is behind on communication ( obviously) cognitive and emotional and behavioral health.

Alaina get very frustrated easily. She has no problem hitting her self or someone else. She has gotten to the point she will slam her head against the floor or wall or anything really.

So we will be having a teacher come out during the week and a behaviorist out on weekends.

I was also told alaina will NOT have to be on a waiting list for preschool this year as she is special needs so she is garunteed a spot!

My dad isnt wanting her to go.. He doesnt like seeing her grow up. But we all know it will be good for her.

Today i had to go to the PX to pay a bill and buy some playdoh. While there i found out alaina had taken my military id out of my wallet.. Just found it about an hour ago..

So then i ran to safeway and did some grocery shopping.. more like milk and bread.. hahaha..

I cant wait for this month to be over I miss my husband so Very Very Very much. I am not ready for him to leave again... He has been home less then 10 months and he will be deploying again very soon. It sucks.

He is at JRTC right now and will be gone all month.

Anyways.. that has been my life for the last week...

Oh i guess i havent mentioned on here.. we got a puppy. hes a little dog a pap and pom mix.  hes a cutie.. but most def a puppy.. lol

hopefully i will start blogging again.. just havent been feeling all that grand!

tired of drs....

Ya know i dont understand why drs treat things that they dont want to diagnose... its like really? My dr is treating bipolar.. but he doesnt wanna diagnose it.. and i want him to if he is gonna treat it.. I am trying to get social security and i think it will help.
already on my ss case

anxiety
depression
MS
migraines
 And i think adding bipolar will even help more..

Not that i WANT to have bipolar... but if your gonna treat it.... diagnose it...


ON another topic.. my neighbor is playing his music or tv bass way too high.....

well

hes gone... I wont get to see him till the end of the month.. I miss him like crazy.. and it never gets any easier...

What really drives me crazy is when i hear people say omg i havent talked to my bf all day.. or i miss my bf or husband hes at work and i cant see him


Well guess what.. here it is a whole month... and i prolly wont get to talk to him at all let alone a text message.



We got a new doggie its still a puppy so it still does puppy stuff... his name is bruno!

anyways... off to go make dinner....

argh!

Oh even better....

no one is home... but my husband gets to stand around and do nothing till someone figures out wth is going on... yay freaking me.. he still doesnt know if he gets to come home so i can take my cat to the vet... Ill be pissed if i have to miss this appt.. My cat has a lump on her side... she is my world right along with my family. I got her when i was diagnosed with MS.  so she means alot to me.... I would be devestated that if she dies because my husbands unit wont let him off so i can take her to the vet... trust me they will have a very pissed off wife.

so freaking irratated..

Yeah so my husband leaves tomorrow.. and everyone has today off except a select few.. and guess whose in it? yeah my husband... Instead of putting the single men on this detail they put married men with kids... I am soo freaking mad...

I have to some how take my cat to the vet at 1. lets hope my husband gets to come home.. cause i dont have any carseats nor do i have a car to take my cat there.. Im just pissed.

so sooon.

I am not excited... my husband leaves sooooon. Im sad.. i am gonna miss him alot.

a great idea!

So i have this wood end table that my parents got me.. I have the best idea for it.. i was gonna get a coffee table BUT...... I am gonna paint it black add a piece of wood under the glass so it has like a small space between the glass and wood. I am going to print out pictures of the kids and put it under the glass.. I think its gonna look awesome!