depressed.

I wish my siblings knew what they have... I just dropped my parents off at the airport so they could fly home.. I miss my parents sooo very much.

Sometimes i hate the military and i hate being sooooo far from home.

Looking back.

Looking back in my life there are so many moments when i think WTF was i thinking?  Like seriously?

Ill describe a few of them for you all...

Whatonka high school grade 9. I wasnt popular.. i didnt have many friends but the friends i did have i thought cared.  They werent the best people in the world and if given the chance today, would i be friends with them? NO. Would i want my kids to be friends with them? NO. But i was young and rebellious so i did what they wanted me to do. I was tired of moving.. i just wanted friends. I missed my friends from my old school so i thought this was the way to do it. There are many times i held drugs for my friends or kept them in my locker. I would go home and wash my clothes and my hands afraid someone might smell it or see it, likes its written on my forehead or something.

Simms high school Grade 10-11.  Kevin Bobick... What can i say.. A cowboy in tight jeans... hell i dont know what i was thinking.. he was a twin but his twin was sooooo much cuter! lol I sit back now and i look at his picture and i seriously just want to hit myself. I got alot of shit in school about it, because a few letters i wrote to "friends" landed up in his hands... Yup that was fun.. Kinda like getting a pap smear. lol
I had 1 or 2 awesome friends there. They were great influences in my life. I am still friends with a few of them and they have touched my life more then they know. So if you went to this school you know who you are!

Milwaukie high. Grade 12.  Wow.. that was a crazy year. All my friends that i had... always at peoples houses.. But the funny thing most of them all younger. My bests were freshman my senior.  But they have stuck around. There were fights over guys... and fights over stupid stuff but we always worked it out.  But one that sticks out.. Mikey. WTH was i thinking? Oh yeah.. the bad boy image.. seriously? why would i want someone who was in and out of jail, couldnt stay in school. Hell he didnt even really know anything.  I am glad i finally figured that one out!

Now on to some major learning stones and mistakes.

Philip. WTF again? why? was it was because he was older? that independent nature? I dont know what it was, but at that time apparently i wanted to be with a married man... I was THAT woman.. I now apologize to his ex wife I truely am sorry.

Alex... He will always have a place in my heart.. Always.. i cant really say anything bad about him because he was such a big part of my life. But he used me. He used me for his pleasure and broke my heart.

Nate. Again he will always hold a place in my heart. He was a marine... Alas it wasnt meant to be... Again broken heart.

There are many things i have done that i think back on and im like WTF.. i just dont get what i was thinking....  I hope my children learn from my mistakes and actually listen to my husband and i like i didnt my parents...  Anyways.. heres a little look into my past.

DO you ever wonder?

Think back 10 yrs... what were you doing???

Me i was 18. In high school.  YOu know being a senior! GO MUSTANGS! ( sorry haha), out with friends doing things before curfew ( for those of you who had one.)

Do you wonder what your life would be like if only something that year didnt happen the way it did? Would you have met your spouse sooner, or not at all?  Would you have your kids?

Today i have just sat back and looked at my life, now that i have turned 28. Where am i? Am i where i wanted to be? Where am i supposed to be at 28????

I have my husband.... god bless him... ( come home safe baby), I have my babies... love them to death! but i dont have much more.. i dont have a degree, i dont have a career. Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me lazy?

Im just totally lost and its like i am in a maze and totally confused on where the hell i am supposed to go and what the hell i am supposed to be doing...

first thing in the morning..

I hate getting out of bed. I wish i could lay there and waste the day away. Not have to get up and worry about 1 kid who is up my ass all day and needy and the other one who throws temper tantrums all the time. I just wish that i could get up when i want to get up and just relax before i get my day started. As you can tell i am NOT a morning person.  I have been out of bed 6 min.35 secs and my daughter has already gotten in trouble 3 times. I have already changed 1 diaper, gotten 2 kids something to drink and my daughter is acting like i starve her. Cant mommy just sit for 10 mins?

Yesterday i was just sooo exhausted i canceled one of my appts. I just couldnt drag myself out that early. I would have had to get the kids to the daycare by 9. to my appt by 10, pick them up at 1130 and get alaina on the bus by noon. It was just too much for me.

Since writing this paragraph i already had to get up and yell at alaina because she was getting into stuff. Now logan is sitting in the kitchen yelling.

I cant wait for their dad to come home so i cant have a break, shower alone... maybe get a full night of sleep.

Yeah its be bitching again and i am sorry but honestly this is what my life is like.. I may put on a smile and open the front door and act as everything is ok... but its not... i am soooo stressed out.

My weight.

I hate my weight. When aaron married me i was 180. At the end of logans pregnancy i was 267. As of 10/24 i was 147. I hate that i have put on so much weight I want to be the thinner girl again.. the girl that didnt have troubles finding a man, finding a date. Not that i want to find a man or a date as i already have 1 and i absolutely love him. But i want that feeling again.

Since i was dx with MS my weight has just kept getting higher and higher... I have tried walking, swimming.. But i cant do much of anything else as i have other medical conditions that affect that.  I just want to be pretty and thin.. Not horribly thin.. But maybe a size 8? im a size 22/24 and i dont like it. I often just cry when i look in the mirror and i see me. I dont like me... I usually make jokes about my butt or my boobs because it is my way of dealing with the comments...

Change the way you eat they say... I would love to. I have tried.. but honestly its really hard when you dont like the taste of alot of things that are good for you. I have cut out cookies, and chips. Sometimes i eat candy but its maybe 1 or 2 peices a day instead of a 3lb bag of m&ms a day. I was drinking 12-24 cans of soda a day, but now its maybe 1 or 2, and if i have a bad headache maybe 3. Other then that no soda for me. Its lemonade or bottled water. Granted its cheaper to drink water out of the tap but i tend not to drink it that way. But if its in a bottle i will drink 3 or 4 a day. So for 3 dollars for 24 isnt bad.

I try to play and stay active with the kids and with a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old how can you not be active? I am constantly going from 1 appt to another and never really have time for myself. I think this sat, i am asking a friend if her older daughter can watch the kids so i can go out to dinner by myself. I just need that break.

I Know this blog is about alot of complaining and i am sorry but its my place to vent.. please speak up give me ideas . If you have read all of this and havent stopped reading my blog thank you sooo much!

good morning..

SO i bitch that i never get childcare and that i never have time to go to appointments.. and well i have one today for me and one for logan but honestly i feel like shit. And logan has a runny nose like a waterfall. So im not doing anything today..  ALaina has school today and all i have to say is thank god.. i need a break everyonce in awhile and today is one of them. Dont get me wrong i love my children but if you have never had to deal with them you wouldnt understand.

Logan tries so hard to play with this sister but she is so mean to him. Alaina she screams and throws things all freaking day long.. Sometimes i wish i had a normal child. One who could speak and talk to me. Instead of crying and screaming all the time. Like i said dont get me wrong i love both of my children..

Waiting for news from the hubby is killing me. i swear this FRG has no freaking clue what the heck they are doing and its irratating.. so usually i have to wait to hear things from my husband.

I need sleep. I am so tired... i dont get a good nights rest ever i sleep with alaina and i just want 1 night where i am not woken up by either kid for stupid reasons... my body cant handle this wake up because i need to  reposistion her or something..

i am so tired of feeling the way i do. I am tired of feelings depressed, i am tired of the anxiety. i am tired of all the pills. but i dont not like who i am when i am off of them.  Sometimes i swear these pills arent enough. I try so hard to be that good mom that doesnt yell at her kids.. but the anxiety kicks in and i havent been able to have a break and its just edging at me. Hello i havent showered alone since my husband left in july.

This weekend i asked a friend if her oldest can come sit with the kids while i go out for a few hours... just myself..

Im tired of holding all these feelings in. Im tired of trying to be the perfect mom.. Im tired of trying to be perfect for everyone.. Im not perfect.. My marriage isnt perfect, my kids arent perfect, my life isnt perfect... im tired...

my blog.

My blog has now become private.. if you were given the chance to read it and comment on it.. i hope that you take that time to be honest with me and actually comment.  This blog is going to become very honest and about who i really am..

give me the strength.

I have been waking up from my very few and sparatic  hours of sleep i get in pain. This morning it was my whole right side. Please think of me and give me the strength to push the pain to the side and be able to get up with my kids tomorrow.. Please let the pain come back on a day that i can just take and lay in bed, and please hurry my husband home so we can get things taken care of and get back home where i have help if i need it like i do now. I thank all of my friends who have been there and offered to help in many ways... With out you this deployment would be unbareable. To my parents who put up with 938598437598348534 calls a day... I love you so very much and miss you guys like crazy.. I hope my siblings look at what they have and see that everyday they dont take the time to talk to you or say i love you is a day lost... What i would give to just give you guys a hug. To my husband  YOU are my reason... you are my love and i miss you so very much.

Thank you to all my readers.. there may not be many of you but if you do read... thank you!

My husband.

My husband is a simple man,  He loves outdoors, cooking, camping, fishing, and cars..  I love him so very much. We are currently in our 3rd deployment and every time he leaves i realize how much i love him. How much he means to me. Just how close of a friend he is.. today i am just emotional.

this is a vent...

If your reading this... this is NOT directed to you.....


I hate you... i hate you i hate you... YOU have done nothing but make our life harder then it should be. I dont need the added stress and thats all that you have caused... you should have been done and over with almost 5 yrs ago... why cant you just do what you need to do and leave... I hate you.

the rules of MS..

Whats sucks about MS is there is no rules. MS can come and do as it pleases and you cant do anything about it.
As far back as i can remember MS has always been there. There wasnt tests for kids back then and it wasnt as popular as it is now.  When i was little i was always tired, In school i was never able to ran as fast, or be as active. Highschool, Haha that was a joke.  I was always made fun of and i knew i couldnt do as much as the other kids in gym.

Lately i have been very agitated, and my leg is not cooperating. To kind of tell you what it feels like.. it feels like that in between feeling after coming out of the dentist office and the novacaine is wearing off. Its numb but if you but all touches send pain. You can tell its there... but you cant feel.

These are the days that i wish MS had rules. That i could just say hey wait.... thats against the rules try again!  But no... I cant. it gets to do as it wants..  I need to go back on my meds and i will soon but until then ms is winning. Also there is no garuntee that if i do go back on meds that this will go away.  This could stay forever and i would be stuck with it. To give you a glimpse of my life.

I cant take baths because i cant pull myself out of the tub. I have to hold on when i take showers because i have bad balance. I take multiple meds a day.  I see multiple drs, and have tons of tests done. I cant work out like i want to. I have tons of energy but yet i know if i do it i will pay for it the next day so i try to save all energy for the kids.  This may be a whine fest post but ya know what.. this is my life.. this what its like... and unfortunetly there are no rules.

not a good day.

Woke up this morning not being able to feel my feet. I hate this... its a flare up and i hate it. It gets to the point that i cant lift my leg.  I seriously can not feel hot or cold from my belly button down but i cant feel pain really on my feet either.

Red cross said they cant send my message and my husbands unit doesnt want to do anything.... so alas.... im stuck with nothing again..... sorry this blog sucks.. but its just not a good day.

red cross message.

So im tired of not being able to get the help i need. Im tired of not being able to go to the dr like i need to. Im tired of not being able to do much of anything.

I love my children very much but if you know them you know its hard to do much of anything with both of them together. I finally broke down and called the unit last night for help. I wanted to talk to a chaplain, but landed up talking to a master sgt. then the frsa and let me tell you when you are in a posistion of power you are to NOT treat ANYONE the way i was treated last night by the frsa. It really hurt my feelings.

I finally did talk to a chaplain and the only thing he told me that i didnt know was that i can put a red cross message in myself. WHICH I DID.

I really hope it doesnt bite my husband in the ass but ya know i need help... this is why were trying to go closer to home.

well hello old friends! so much to talk about.. where do i start?

Health.

I got my referral for a nuero and called to make an appt. july of 2012 they said... Seriously??? So i kept calling around and the only office that had an opening this year refuses to take me as a patient. So talking with my dr i finally found one that my friend uses on the airforce academy.. Hope hes good!!!

Logan
Logan is doing great.. is standing and occasionally standing and not holding on.. Im pretty excited! He is still pretty far behind other kids his age and only in the 9th percentile for his weight... so well see how he does on monday.  Monday we have an eval to see if he is distinctivaly behind in anything.  I did switch him off of formula and on to whole milk so i am excited for that.

Alaina.
Alaina is in school and doing great. she is haveing some behaviour problems but thats expected! she is out of diapers and in pullups. She is learning to dress her self.

Aaron.
Aaron is doing good. he misses home but other then that hes doing good... just the same thing every day apparently.

Im doing ok. got on some meds but they arent enough.. i will be calling the dr and letting her know.. she needs to up the dosage...

sorry its been so long since i have updated this thing...

i hate today

i hate today.. hes gone... i miss him..

book review

i reviewed... 

The Hidden Magic of Walt Disney World: Over 600 Secrets of the Magic Kingdom, Epcot, Disney's Hollywood Studios, and Animal Kingdom

given to me by booksneeze.com

I enjoy books about Disney and normally don't judge them harshly. 

But people should be warned about this one. In just the first couple dozen pages, there are numerous items that are out of date. It's kind of sad that families will go searching for the old-fashioned phone in the General Store, will go to awaken Tinker Bell in the Fantasyland shop, will go to see Tink in the keyhole of the sewing table there, the wooden leg on the lost and found shelf at the Frontierland station -- when all of these features have been removed over a year ago. In addition to being outdated, the information is sometimes just wrong. For instance, it isn't true that "WDW imagineers could not dig a basement in Orlando as they did at Disneyland in California ..." There are no utilidors in Disneyland. (Walt was frustrated to see a cowboy walking through Tomorrowland on his way to work in Frontierland in Disneyland -- since there was no other way to cross the park. And the idea for the WDW ultidors was born!) 

If I can spot things that are wrong, I wonder what a real Disney expert would find. The editing was skethcy, too. For instance, the red and green faces of Cinderella's evil stepsisters are "belying" their anger and jealousy. "Belying" means hiding or contracting. What the author meant was "revealing." 

Unfortunately, this book is a regurgitation of all the "WDW Secrets" lists on the Internet. Some of the items on those list aren't legitimate. For instance, the three-circled cut-out shapes in the stone wall that curves along the walkways to the front of the castle - at no time of day do they cast a Mickey-shaped shadow on the ground. I read about this online a couple of years ago and went on many occasions to the castle to see the shadows. I kept coming back to check. I asked castmembers. It doesn't happen.

almost a month..

I am soo sorry everyone, its been almost a month. So much as been going on. We moved.. alas but yet we might be moving again. I hate houses with stairs...  im not supposed to be in them.. but they think it was ok.

My back is killing me! i have scoliosis apparently... but OMG it hurts.... i cant even have sex it hurts that bad. I feel soo sorry for aaron cause i cant even fulfill him that way and hes getting ready to go defend our country.

anyways. Logan has an appt for the nuerosurgen and alaina well... shes alaina! gotta love her...

well i was told i need to blog.. sorry i dont have much to talk about.. i pretty much covered it.. haha...

realization

So i have come to realize... that this deployment is going to suck. I need some close friends. My last deployment i had some awesome ladies to keep me company..and here i dont have my close friends... i dont have my parents near by.. i dont have much of anything... i need friends...

costumesupercenter.com

LOOVE this site. I got recently got a chance to review an awesome costume for alaina from http://www.costumesupercenter.com/ It shipped super fast and its an awesome quality. If you are reading my blog you know some of the things alaina can do.She gets destructive. This is the outfit i got alaina,http://www.costumesupercenter.com/girls+costumes-disney/DI50499-disneys-child-belle-costume.html Little girl costumes are located at this link http://www.costumesupercenter.com/girls+costumes.html   Well not only has she pushed and pulled and ripped this dress off she has also ran and played out side in it.  She has been alaina in it and nothing is wrong with it! I love http://www.costumesupercenter.com/ I am actually looking at ordering logans holloween costume as it gets closer to holloween. if you have an older child check this link http://www.costumesupercenter.com/kids+halloween+costume.html Anyways... This is all my opinion i didnt get paid to write this.. i did however recieve a costume to try out.

Anyways.. Check this site out.. http://www.costumesupercenter.com/

ug im sorry.

I am sooo sorry.. I have been lacking in the picture a day thing... with school and trying to get our vaca going and logans dr appts and what not... I promise i will get to it!