Wednesday, February 16, 2011

this is me venting...

some days i just feel like i cant do this.. I love my husband and my kids sooo very much but its just sooo much. Ya know? i have 2 beautiful babies.. but no one to talk to.. I have no friends like i did back when..  I miss the sitting in the kitchen and licking brownie batter of the spoon while just chatting.. or sitting in the front room and just playing a game. but now my life is dirty diapers and gibberish..

I mean yeah i have my friends here but we all have our own life.. our own kids.. its just not the same..

I love my little family i wouldnt trade them for the world.. but honestly im just glad they havent traded me..

I have come to see my meds arent right yet again.. they are not strong enough.. screw this we dont know bullshit..

I am sooo tired of them playing games with me. .i just want them to fix me.. Im tired of being and feeling broken. I am tired of feeling ugly and fat.. i want to look good for my husband. I want to make him proud but all i feel like i am doing is holding him back.. yeah its my depression kicking in again.. who woulda thought that this morning i was in a great mood and now im depressed?

i know i can do this.. i have been through 2 before.. but i dont wanna... i dont wanna say good bye.. i dont wanna let go.

at night i watch my daughter snuggle with her daddy pillow and i ask myself how do i explain this to her? how do i explain that even tho she just got her daddy back she has to say see you later again? i wish my parents could be out here with me.. They mean soo much to me..  I never get to talk to any other family but my parents.. i just wish they could stay with me.. it depresses me to know that my son doesnt get to know his grammy and papa.. or his hey lady and papa or his mom and dad..  all name alaina calls them..

im just in a rut again and hopefully i can get out of it soon.. i hate feeling this way .. but i do .. i feel like i wanna just sit in a closet and not come out..  i just want my husband home.. and my parents with me.

welcome to my jumble of whines.. my tears.. my heartaches. my thoughts.. welcome to me..


  1. I love you! I am ALWAYS here,even if I can't be there physically. You can call me ANYTIME, no matter what. Your a strong woman and can do anything.Keep your head up. Your my hero, and the older sister I never had. <3

  2. This made me sad :( hang in there girl!!! I know we haven't known each other for along time but I care for you and the kiddos!! And I'm happy that we had the opportunity to meet each othe! We can do it!!