DO you ever wonder?

Think back 10 yrs... what were you doing???

Me i was 18. In high school.  YOu know being a senior! GO MUSTANGS! ( sorry haha), out with friends doing things before curfew ( for those of you who had one.)

Do you wonder what your life would be like if only something that year didnt happen the way it did? Would you have met your spouse sooner, or not at all?  Would you have your kids?

Today i have just sat back and looked at my life, now that i have turned 28. Where am i? Am i where i wanted to be? Where am i supposed to be at 28????

I have my husband.... god bless him... ( come home safe baby), I have my babies... love them to death! but i dont have much more.. i dont have a degree, i dont have a career. Does that make me a bad person? Does that make me lazy?

Im just totally lost and its like i am in a maze and totally confused on where the hell i am supposed to go and what the hell i am supposed to be doing...

first thing in the morning..

I hate getting out of bed. I wish i could lay there and waste the day away. Not have to get up and worry about 1 kid who is up my ass all day and needy and the other one who throws temper tantrums all the time. I just wish that i could get up when i want to get up and just relax before i get my day started. As you can tell i am NOT a morning person.  I have been out of bed 6 min.35 secs and my daughter has already gotten in trouble 3 times. I have already changed 1 diaper, gotten 2 kids something to drink and my daughter is acting like i starve her. Cant mommy just sit for 10 mins?

Yesterday i was just sooo exhausted i canceled one of my appts. I just couldnt drag myself out that early. I would have had to get the kids to the daycare by 9. to my appt by 10, pick them up at 1130 and get alaina on the bus by noon. It was just too much for me.

Since writing this paragraph i already had to get up and yell at alaina because she was getting into stuff. Now logan is sitting in the kitchen yelling.

I cant wait for their dad to come home so i cant have a break, shower alone... maybe get a full night of sleep.

Yeah its be bitching again and i am sorry but honestly this is what my life is like.. I may put on a smile and open the front door and act as everything is ok... but its not... i am soooo stressed out.

My weight.

I hate my weight. When aaron married me i was 180. At the end of logans pregnancy i was 267. As of 10/24 i was 147. I hate that i have put on so much weight I want to be the thinner girl again.. the girl that didnt have troubles finding a man, finding a date. Not that i want to find a man or a date as i already have 1 and i absolutely love him. But i want that feeling again.

Since i was dx with MS my weight has just kept getting higher and higher... I have tried walking, swimming.. But i cant do much of anything else as i have other medical conditions that affect that.  I just want to be pretty and thin.. Not horribly thin.. But maybe a size 8? im a size 22/24 and i dont like it. I often just cry when i look in the mirror and i see me. I dont like me... I usually make jokes about my butt or my boobs because it is my way of dealing with the comments...

Change the way you eat they say... I would love to. I have tried.. but honestly its really hard when you dont like the taste of alot of things that are good for you. I have cut out cookies, and chips. Sometimes i eat candy but its maybe 1 or 2 peices a day instead of a 3lb bag of m&ms a day. I was drinking 12-24 cans of soda a day, but now its maybe 1 or 2, and if i have a bad headache maybe 3. Other then that no soda for me. Its lemonade or bottled water. Granted its cheaper to drink water out of the tap but i tend not to drink it that way. But if its in a bottle i will drink 3 or 4 a day. So for 3 dollars for 24 isnt bad.

I try to play and stay active with the kids and with a 3 yr old and a 1 yr old how can you not be active? I am constantly going from 1 appt to another and never really have time for myself. I think this sat, i am asking a friend if her older daughter can watch the kids so i can go out to dinner by myself. I just need that break.

I Know this blog is about alot of complaining and i am sorry but its my place to vent.. please speak up give me ideas . If you have read all of this and havent stopped reading my blog thank you sooo much!

good morning..

SO i bitch that i never get childcare and that i never have time to go to appointments.. and well i have one today for me and one for logan but honestly i feel like shit. And logan has a runny nose like a waterfall. So im not doing anything today..  ALaina has school today and all i have to say is thank god.. i need a break everyonce in awhile and today is one of them. Dont get me wrong i love my children but if you have never had to deal with them you wouldnt understand.

Logan tries so hard to play with this sister but she is so mean to him. Alaina she screams and throws things all freaking day long.. Sometimes i wish i had a normal child. One who could speak and talk to me. Instead of crying and screaming all the time. Like i said dont get me wrong i love both of my children..

Waiting for news from the hubby is killing me. i swear this FRG has no freaking clue what the heck they are doing and its irratating.. so usually i have to wait to hear things from my husband.

I need sleep. I am so tired... i dont get a good nights rest ever i sleep with alaina and i just want 1 night where i am not woken up by either kid for stupid reasons... my body cant handle this wake up because i need to  reposistion her or something..

i am so tired of feeling the way i do. I am tired of feelings depressed, i am tired of the anxiety. i am tired of all the pills. but i dont not like who i am when i am off of them.  Sometimes i swear these pills arent enough. I try so hard to be that good mom that doesnt yell at her kids.. but the anxiety kicks in and i havent been able to have a break and its just edging at me. Hello i havent showered alone since my husband left in july.

This weekend i asked a friend if her oldest can come sit with the kids while i go out for a few hours... just myself..

Im tired of holding all these feelings in. Im tired of trying to be the perfect mom.. Im tired of trying to be perfect for everyone.. Im not perfect.. My marriage isnt perfect, my kids arent perfect, my life isnt perfect... im tired...

my blog.

My blog has now become private.. if you were given the chance to read it and comment on it.. i hope that you take that time to be honest with me and actually comment.  This blog is going to become very honest and about who i really am..