Saturday, February 19, 2011

such a long day

Well today have been super long.. i had the behaviorist come out.. i dont have much time to write about it right now but i should tomorrow..

I can tell you that was not happy!

logan still isnt feeling well. I still have him on his meds so lets hope!

I am exhausted so i am off to bed... good night world... and my readers! tune in tomorrow for what the Behavior person said...


Thank you

I just want to jump on here and say thank you to those that actually respond either on here... in an email or what not.. it really does making blogging easier on me... its nice to know someone or people is/ are reading this.. i know i dont have much to say but thats my life..

Friday, February 18, 2011

day.. 39487598475934098670953

I must find  a way off this island.... This little girl keeps following me and calling me mom... have no clue who she is.... little boy just cries all day, the good dr says double ear infections... No clue what that is.. but must stay away. The natives seem to have 2 furry things that run around. 1 like to dig.. wonder if he will dig us out of here.. other furry creature just seems to like to eat and be lazy. None of the natives seem to want to leave.  Must get off this island..

HAHAHAHA thats what i feel like right now..

Alaina decided to color all over the floor with black crayon! grrrrr. and logan well he doesnt feel good so now he is in our room crying... gotta by a baby monitor.. i can hear him but cant see him right now..

The dog keeps digging to china and if you know me... you know i like a nice yard.. well my back yard is dirt.. and it drives me up a wall but i am not going to be in this house much longer so i see no need in trying to make the back yard nice... let the mud hole lie..

really miss my husband today.. i just wish he could hold me... i wish i could be laying in his arms as i drift off to sleep... ( but lord please let me get to sleep before him.. that man can snore!)

i guess a few guys out there with him have asked him how do i sleep with him.. or do we have seperate rooms... lol Theres a trick to it! lol... i bound and gag him with his dirty socks... lol jokes! but there is a secret.

Well today i didnt do much besides try to clean up a little.. my kitchen is trashed.. always the last room to get done... but ya know what.. i am at wits end right now and i just really dont have the energy to get up and clean it...

anyways... i am off here... i am gonna try to get logan to go to sleep so i can too! good night everyone!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

ug i know

I know my blog has been a downer... but seriously.. thats my life..

I have a problem.. and i need ideas on how to fix it... i have a shopping addiction.. I dont care how much money i have i will spend it... it gets to the point that i dont care i have bills to pay.. I have read it another sign of bipolar.. cause after i spend it i regret it...

i just dont know how to stop.. I am trying really hard.. i have a list of things i am allowed to buy when aaron leaves.. so i have to stick to that... but its before he leaves thats getting hard.. i get sad.. i shop.. i get mad.. i shop.. i am happy... i shop.. i did however pay off 2800 in credit cards just this week... so i can say that felt good.

any ideas on how to stop shopping??????????

oh and btw.. 12 lbs down since aaron left.. Dinner tonight was awful... and i am exhausted... logan has 2 ear infections... and alaina is not helping anything! so i am off to bed at 20:18 good night!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

this is me venting...

some days i just feel like i cant do this.. I love my husband and my kids sooo very much but its just sooo much. Ya know? i have 2 beautiful babies.. but no one to talk to.. I have no friends like i did back when..  I miss the sitting in the kitchen and licking brownie batter of the spoon while just chatting.. or sitting in the front room and just playing a game. but now my life is dirty diapers and gibberish..

I mean yeah i have my friends here but we all have our own life.. our own kids.. its just not the same..

I love my little family i wouldnt trade them for the world.. but honestly im just glad they havent traded me..

I have come to see my meds arent right yet again.. they are not strong enough.. screw this we dont know bullshit..

I am sooo tired of them playing games with me. .i just want them to fix me.. Im tired of being and feeling broken. I am tired of feeling ugly and fat.. i want to look good for my husband. I want to make him proud but all i feel like i am doing is holding him back.. yeah its my depression kicking in again.. who woulda thought that this morning i was in a great mood and now im depressed?

i know i can do this.. i have been through 2 before.. but i dont wanna... i dont wanna say good bye.. i dont wanna let go.

at night i watch my daughter snuggle with her daddy pillow and i ask myself how do i explain this to her? how do i explain that even tho she just got her daddy back she has to say see you later again? i wish my parents could be out here with me.. They mean soo much to me..  I never get to talk to any other family but my parents.. i just wish they could stay with me.. it depresses me to know that my son doesnt get to know his grammy and papa.. or his hey lady and papa or his mom and dad..  all name alaina calls them..

im just in a rut again and hopefully i can get out of it soon.. i hate feeling this way .. but i do .. i feel like i wanna just sit in a closet and not come out..  i just want my husband home.. and my parents with me.

welcome to my jumble of whines.. my tears.. my heartaches. my thoughts.. welcome to me..

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

You want to understand but dont know how?

Many times i have been asked.. How do you do it? How do you go sooo long with out seeing your husband? This girl has it perfect! if you wanna know.... please read..

What a Military Spouse Knows

As many of you know, my husband came home from our third deployment not too long ago. During the deployment, a reporter asked me to share “What I Knew” about deployments and military life. This was my answer:

As I forced my hands to unfurl from his neck, feeling the familiar sting in my nose as tears pushed against my will, the words rattled and echoed in my brain. “Not again.”

I watched him walk away–that uniform, identifiable gait—and my heart bent and splintered as the reality of a third deployment began to shower over me.

I picked up the phone, dialing the numbers my numb fingers always meander toward, and sat in silence while she tried to ease my pain. “I can’t imagine…He will be home….I’m here.”

And then she said six words that shot through my ears, penetrated my brain, and stiffened my spine: “You know how to do this.”

She was right. I do know how to do this. I intimately know the all-too familiar lump in my throat. The year of being both father and mother, making the best of a situation. I know exactly how one year feels as I X each day off my calendar. And I know how to ensure that while our lives are on hold, we still live.

The truth is I know a lot:

» The thought of being alone for a year doesn’t bother me. The fear of being alone for a lifetime—does.
» Flat rate boxes can hold twenty whoopee cushions, four kindergarten projects, and five perfume-scented letters.
» Technology can be a double-edged sword—one side delivering his face; the other a brutal live-action feed of explosions and camouflaged body parts.
» Murphy’s Law is a constant companion. The moment he walks out the door, anything that can break, collapse, bleed, or explode–will .
» Five hours of uninterrupted sleep is a gift from the deployment gods
» Holidays are hard, but manageable.
» Deployments come and go, but sand from his boots never leaves.
» Nothing can replace a handwritten letter. Through those beautifully folded pages, he is holding my hand again.
» When the National Anthem is played, I know goosebumps will rise on my arms, and a lump will fill my throat.
» The silence in communication following a war zone attack is agonizing.
» Laughter is a powerful ally.
» Each deployment offers two options: grow or regress. This is a choice.
» Cereal is always a dinner option.
» Videos of lost teeth, ballerina recitals, and preschool graduations can be emailed to Iraq nearly instantly.
» Five powers of attorney and the intimate details of his will are needed to navigate a deployment.
» White out blizzards can actually bury a truck in five minutes.
» Rosie the Riveter was right: We can do it.
» Children cling to hope and the promise of tomorrow.
» Living in each moment together is possible when facing the fear that it could be your last.
» Welcome home kisses are sweeter than the finest chocolate.
» Anger will grip me and depression can hold me, but another military spouse will steady me.
» A six-year-old child can feel the absence of her father so deeply that she can suffer from clinical depression.
» A military spouse will often hold her/his tongue, silencing a story, for fear of sounding “unpatriotic.”
» The sound of a bugle can make my heart swell with pride or collapse in sorrow.
» Duct tape and a monkey wrench can fix nearly anything.
» Despite the protestors and those who tell me I “knew” what I was getting into, I know there are countless American citizens who will go above and beyond to show they support us.
There are many things I know.

I know how to change the brakes on my truck, rappel from the side of a cliff, shoot a double-barreled shotgun, balance a checkbook, earn my keep, and kiss a child enough to feel like two.

But there are still so many things I don’t know.

» I don’t know how to start my heart again when I see a death notification car on my street.
» When that knock echoes on the door of my neighbor, I don’t know how to forgive myself when I am relieved.
» I don’t know how to hug him enough to last a lifetime, or kiss him just so in order to feel satisfied—should our reunion be at the foot of a pine box.
» I’m not willing to learn how to pretend he doesn’t exist, to keep him out of our life while it goes on without him, or to build a wall so high he has no way to scale it.
» I don’t know how to stop his panic attacks, and I have no idea how to make my nightmares of rampant bombs and lifeless limbs disappear.
» I don’t know how to adjust to his presence in my house when our floor rarely feels the weight of his boots.
» I don’t know how to tell his small children that, yes, he leaves them all the time. But because he loves them so deeply, he is willing to die to keep them free.
» I can’t understand those who would question my desire to stay with him, or how I can peacefully sleep beside a “killer.”
» I am amazed and confounded that despite all he has seen, he still has the courage to laugh.
» I don’t’ know how to give up on my family.
But, most importantly:

I have no clue how to still my pounding heart when he finally walks through our door again, I don’t know how to pull my hands from his sand-stained neck and say goodbye, and I don’t know how to ever walk away from a man who stands while many choose to sit.

Written By Melissa Seligman

Sunday, February 13, 2011

thoughts for tomorrow.....

Valentines Day SUCKS!

please excuse my rude behavior.. it wouldnt be so bad if i got to spend at least 1 of them with him......